Sunday, November 1, 2009

Paranormal Inactivity

Before I say anything else, let my start by start by explaining that I am not a fan of horror movies. For some reason, it's difficult for me to suspend my disbelief and buy into the idea that there are ghosties or goblins or possessed toys are haunting people and messing up their lives. Even so, I went into go see Paranormal Activity last night, expecting to pretty scared. from what I'd heard from other people, the movie was supposed to give me nightmares or make me crap my pants in fright or something like that. However, once I actually saw the movie, I was extremely underwhelmed. how can this be the scariest movie in years when nothing happens!?! I know the plot was supposed to build slowly and be realistic, but the most exciting thing in the first 45 minutes was a creaky door. A CREAKY DOOR!! Maybe poor house maintenance could be scary if you're Bob Vila or Tim "The Tool Man" Taylor, but normal people suck it up and go back to sleep.

Even when the action did pick up, it was very limited, and it was surrounded by long periods of boring jokes and crappy camera work. Basically, the movie was like an episode of "America's Boringest Home Videos" or some excessively long, low budget episode of "MTV Cribs". I'm pretty sure all the action could be compiled into one ten minute Youtube clip... and it would still be boring. That's because every time the "demon" visits the couple, the same thing happens. Let me summarize it for you...

The couple hears loud footsteps
Guy: "wtf was that!"
Girl: "Aaaaah"
The door creaks
Guy: "bring it on, demon!"
Girk: "honey, don't provoke it"
Guy: "my bad"
The couple cuddles together in fear
The camera cuts off

If it wasn't for the fact that I kind of had to go to the bathroom throughout the whole movie (and it was supposed to be one of the best movies of the year), I probably would have gone to sleep after the first twenty minutes. Maybe in real life, demons are extremely boring characters, but if you want me to pay $7 to watch them haunt people, I think they should spice up their act. Seriously... I think I watched a video about noble gases in High School Chemistry class that kept me more entertained than this.

Ultimately, if you like watching people do normal things in front of a video camera, interspersed with random disturbances by a the lamest movie monster ever (more lame than the alien in Signs), Paranormal Activity is probably the film for you. However, if you'd prefer that something actually happens during the 90 minutes that you're staring at the screen, I'd suggest an actual movie with actual actors, actual camera work and an actual plot.

p.s. If you can think of anything that would change my opinion about Paranormal Activity or Horror movies in general, feel free to comment.

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